I Secretly Heart you, GlamMom!

Um...is it wrong to have a mom crush? Cuz I'm afraid I may be just the tiniest bit infatuated.... with a woman I'll call GlamMom.

(Is this bad???)

I've been seeing her almost everyday now, ever since I started walking the kids to school. She's not hard to notice. For one, she doesn't drive a people-mover. Nope, no station wagons, mini-vans and the like -- she drives a shiny black 3 series BMW. And she's always very fashionably - and impeccably - dressed. The skirts are never too long or short; the jeans are tailored to fit; the dresses fall just so. It's cliche, but I swear, she looks like she just stepped out of a fashion magazine. And the hair....it's long and brown and curly and shiny (I have this thing for hair because I grew up with a 'fro. Let's just say it never did suit and is the reason why to this day I sport a short cut. )

GlamMom so far has never appeared as if she were capable of having a shitty day. She manages to look cool and hip and so goddamn purdy even as she drives her equally good-looking school age kids down the road to school. Honestly, I can't decide if I love or hate her more.

I've told hubby all about this, so he knows about my little obssession. He also knows it's gotten so bad, he has bumped me up to official stalker status. Case in point: Just the other day Santiago and I spent the better part of 10 minutes trying to be inconspicuous while waiting in the nearby vicinity of GlamMom's car. All so I could have a peek at what outfit she had on. Her BMW was parked at the end of the road (she must have been late dropping her kids off to school) and I deduced she would be back because she left her bag in the car (it was in plain view! honest!!!! It's not like I totally peeked or anything!) I stopped, parked the pram on the pavement and then proceeded to give Santiago a biscuit, his bottle, his beanie, anything that might justify the interruption in our walk home. Still, no GlamMom. I was running out of rabbits to pull out of the proverbial magic hat. I continued stalling as best I could...."Look Santiago, a bird!" (hey, sometimes seagulls skulk about on our street. Really, though there were none in sight that morning.) "And look over there -- can you hear the dump truck collecting rubbish from our street - it's making that beep-beep backing-out noise! Isn't that cool? (not really mom.) And, um, what about this....leaf pattern on our neighbour's shrubbery?" (Yeah ok I was getting kinda desperate...anything that might remotely interest a 19-month old!)

Finally, dejectedly, I decided it was time to go. GlamMom would not be gawked at that morning. It was getting cold - uncomfortably so. Also, I didn't want the neighbours to get more than just slightly suspicious I was loitering about on their front lawn for no apparent good reason.

So we made our way up the hill. Not willing to admit defeat, I glanced back every few seconds just in case GlamMom did materialise (hope springs eternal and all that.) And - lo and behold - there she was in all her GlamMom glory! Well, her back anyway, which I barely managed to glimpse as she slid into the driver's seat and drove away to whatever else she did in her GlamMom world.

And what is that world like exactly, I have been wondering? What DOES GlamMom do? Does she work? As what? Part-time or full-time? In the city? Or is she a SAHM? Does she have a husband? What does he do? Does she have other kids?

But perhaps more importantly (for me anyway) WHY DO I EVEN CARE???

I'm not sure why this fascination with this woman. I've been thinking of the reasons behind why I've gotten to this level of crazy.

I suspect a lot of it has to do with my transition from full-time, well-paid employment to now stay-at-home mom, and the seeming steep drop in status that accompanied this decision. (You did what? In this economy? Are you CRAZY??) I've wrestled with doubts, fears, anxiety; I've soul-searched and dug deep and been over it and under it and through and out and over it again and again. And you know what? On some days I still don't know if it was the right choice; while on others, I know there is absolutely no other way I would have wanted things to be.

Some days it's so clear cut; on others I can't make heads or tails of whatever's going on at any given moment.

I guess I got really lucky the first time around with a baby that rarely cried and only threw a tantrum ONCE (believe it. It's true.) Now that I've got a headstrong, temperamental, full-on toddler who screams, throws things and perpetually tests the limits of my patience, I'm brought up short and feel like I'm back to parenting 101. What am I doing wrong? Am I doing, or not doing, something that makes him behave like this? Is it the influence of his equally rowdy cousins? Am I pathetically incapable of making any inroads in disciplining my own son? Or is it just my patience that's lacking? Would it be better to leave him in someone else's care who can better manage? Or is it now more than ever that he may need a parent's loving, but firm hand? Even now I confess to a sense of dread at the thought of going through potty training, my imagination already spewing out scenarios of the possible battles that could ensue.

I don't profess to have the answers (do enlighten me!) I'm navigating the parenting world without a compass or erstwhile instruction manual, despite having been down this road before. I have no $(%&($ clue what I'm doing. Which brings me back to the subject of our little rant/rave.... GlamMom, who makes everything seem so effortless, all the while looking fabulous while doing it.

Herein perhaps lies the secret to this fascination. While I'm not a slovenly, foul-mouthed (ooh check that, at least on most days) alcoholic, drug-addled, emotionally stunted abusive floozy, I don't cart my kids around looking like I'm being shot for a spread at Parents Magazine, never mind Vogue. I don't look too bad in my everyday wear of choice (jeans and a skivvie), but I would probably not hold a candle to GlamMom's ...Glam. How does this woman do it - in life, for real??

I must remind myself that GlamMom, no matter how Glam and gorgeous, is only human. She must have her off days too. And she must share - if not the very same, exact worries or anxieties I do -- the same emotions and feelings shared by the rest of humankind: love, joy, sorrow, fear. GlamMom's gotta have her own set of problems too.

It'd be reassuring to think that like me, while GlamMom may love her kids more than life, she would probably confess that she doesn't necessarily like them ALL the time. That like me, sometimes maybe she swears in frustration at yet another tantrum and meltdown at the supermarket. And sometimes, I suspect, when she drops her kids off at school, she probably breathes a small sigh of relief, happy in the precious few hours she'll have to herself while they're away; even as she knows how joyful she'll be to have her kids back safe and sound at the end of the day.

Maybe I will get the courage one day to rock up to GlamMom, say hi and start a conversation (Oh my God, what is this, high school???) Maybe one day we'll get to trade mom stories -- that'd be cool. I'd love to know who GlamMom is, and whatever gets her through the day.

Who knows, we may have even more in common than I think. That'd be cool. Waaay cool, indeed.